i'm cranky:(

Have I mentioned before that I dislike being a coordinator? I am not an extremely organized person by nature, but I do feel like I managed to teach for 5 years without too much trouble. I graduated college with almost all A's. I earned a Master's degree from the University of Virginia while teaching full time. I could not have done any of this if I wasn't internally motivated to do things well, to go beyond the bare minimum and put my best effort forward on every task I set out to accomplish. That being said, I am not one of those people who feel the need to organize everybody, micro-manage projects, or tell other people what to do. I do not get a thrill from being in charge. I am usually a follower, not a leader. I like being a sidekick, a helper. Tell me what needs to be done and I will try my best to do it. But I have a "job" right now that is making me crazy... why is recruiting for volunteer activities so difficult?

Personally, I think it is because people just think someone else will do it. Or they think that since they are volunteering, it doesn't matter if they show up or not, do a good job or not, let anyone know their plans or not. I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to think you have things covered and then someone just doesn't show up? Doesn't anybody have a sense of work ethic anymore? I have done my share of volunteering this year. I am the sole member of the teacher appreciation committee at my girlies school. I am also a member of the children's ministry team at my church. I am a substitute Sunday school teacher. I volunteer in kindergarten every Wednesday for at least 2 hours, but usually about 4 hours. I try to be there every time I say I will; teachers, parents, and children are counting on me. I am not trying to look superior and I don't expect a pat on the back for what I have done, I do it because it needs to be done and I feel good knowing I helped where I could. I know that being a mom, working or stay at home is a tough job. Kids get sick, relatives visit, vacations happen, but there should still be a sense of obligation to things you said you would do. If you say you are going to do something, people are counting on you. And then when you don't do it, people are disappointed, not to mention left without any help.

I also don't understand people who constantly take advantage of the free child care offered through our church without ever volunteering to help out every once in a while. I'm not saying they need to spend every moment of their lives watching other people's children, but helping out a few hours here and there would make the whole process flow smoother. It would open the church's services to many more children in the community, spreading the word of God even further. And isn't that the point of VBS? I know that some people view VBS in the summer as child care, a way to get 3 hours of time to themselves in the summertime. I am trying not to pass judgment, it isn't my place. BUT, the members of our church know all year that VBS is coming. They know that every year, more children from the community come - we have an awesome VBS every year. They know that means we need more grown-ups every year to create a safe and fun environment. So, why am I still looking for 8 more people with VBS only 2 weeks away? And why do I feel like the only one still looking for these last few volunteers? And why do I get myself into situations like this? I am learning something about myself through this whole experience though. Don't ask questions about things if you aren't prepared to then be in charge of it. Don't be surprised or fooled by people who say they will help you and then don't. I don't mean to sound so pessimistic or jaded, but I am so tired of other people not putting the same effort into what they say they will do. It is not fair to the others involved.

I am frustrated and grumpy. I know this will pass, that once VBS has gone off successfully, I'll feel bad that I felt the need to rant like this. But that is the point of my blog, to voice my opinions, tell my tales, rant my rants and rave my raves. To get whatever I am feeling or thinking out, so it doesn't nag at me. So hopefully, I will be able to find 8 more volunteers in the next 2 weeks. I'll keep praying; and if you are so inclined, your prayers would be helpful too!

#94 Vinegar Hill

So what is up with these books? This is another one of Oprah's picks from years ago. I started reading and really was interested in the story line. I kept waiting for Ellen to make her move, to say something about her situation. She was a complicated woman, being progressive enough in the 70s to have a job, but also not advanced enough to talk to her husband, stand up to her in-laws, and take charge of her own happiness.

I am trying to remember this book does come from the 70s. Since I was born in 1974, I don't remember a lot of how it was back then. But I also don't understand how a book just ends without an ending. She finally works herself up to leave her husband, take her children, and get a job farther away. But that all happens in the last 5 pages and you are closing the back cover when she tells her children they are leaving. Hurray for her, I guess. But what about the show down with her husband? What about the in-laws? A fragile mother in-law and husband who has just discovered that he actually likes his family even if he was a abused as a child and can't show it. Seems a shame to not even give him a chance to understand her unhappiness and try to make it better. Maybe he wouldn't even try, maybe he'd just continue living with his parents and ignoring his children. But shouldn't he get an opportunity to weigh in on this decision she is making?

So, at first I was in to this book, reading it very quickly and anxiously awaiting the showdown. The discussion, the arguing, the yelling and screaming, but all I got was passive anger and resentment. I can get that in my own family:) So, still not a fan of Oprah picks. I can't decide if I should just pack up the rest of the ones I have and give them away without reading them? Or do I read them all, making it a mission of mine to find one, just one, Oprah book that I enjoy? It doesn't seem like that much to ask! What do you think?

Next up, #93 Plain Truth by Jodi Picoult.

rainy day errands

So many errands to run today and it is pouring down rain. I wish I owned a raincoat.

I need to pick up S's guitar I had restrung so she can sing and play along with the High School Musical and Hannah Montana and Taylor Swift songs she loves so much. I need to change the oil in my car, it is long overdue. I need to find a window shade for the girlies room that darkens the room and blocks out the morning light so that maybe they will sleep past 6:00am this summer. They want a later bedtime this summer and that will only work if they learn to sleep in a little bit later or they will be grouchy. I need to stop somewhere and buy Tropicana OJ for my husband, he is addicted to it and we are all out. I am having a Tastefully Simnple Party at my house on Tuesday night so I also need to stop by and pick up my party food kit. Yum! Let's see, what else?

To make my errands run a little more tolerable in this rain I am going to stop at this little drive-up coffee place called Java Express and get a nonfat chai tea latte. Yum! I can almost taste it already. But first I need to shower. I just ran on my treadmill while reading a book. So, you can imagine I didn't run very fast but I got my 35 minutes in today and that was all I was looking for. I would like tp lose a few pounds so my clothes fit a little better, so I am going to up my running from 3 days a week to 4 or 5. I hope that extra effort will help.

I also need to start training for the Women's 4 Miler Race I run every September. I can run 4 miles without to much trouble but I never get any faster so my goal this year is too really train for it better than I have in the past. I have run it 5 times now and had the best time the first year I ran it. I get slower every year, maybe because of the extra 5-10 pounds, maybe the weather or my training or lack thereof. So this year I hope to finish in under 42 minutes. I would really love to find a running partner. Someone who would run with me a few times a week. I run quite a bit on the treadmill, but I need to get back outside to get used to hills and weather and temperature again. The race is the Saturday before Labor Day every year. Some times it can be really hot and one year it rained , so you never know what it will be like.

If you are interested in running this summer, let me know. I want to be able to run up to 6 miles(I have only ever done 5.5 so far) and I want to get my time down to running 9 to 10 minute miles instead of 10.5 - 11.5 minute miles. I usually don't mind running slow, I am impressed that I can run that far. But I would like to beat my time this year. I'm not sure if that is realistic or not, but I won't find out until I try so wish me luck.

Christmas clutter

So, what to do today? My days are numbered. The girls have 5 days of school left, counting today. I am trying to think about what I should do before they are here all day, every day. I have managed to clean out a significant part of the house over the last few weeks. I have taken 2 trips to Goodwill and collected countless garbage bags of trash. The girls have a major project of cleaning out their room and playroom of all toys they have outgrown when school gets out. So I have left those rooms alone for the most part. Maybe when that project is complete we will be able to separate their bunk beds and give them their own space. I know M is really looking forward to having her own space, even if it is just to be able to decorate it! S has been hesitant in the past to want her own room, she says she will miss M. But lately, she seems more open to the idea.

We need a little more space. I hope we will be able to figure out a way to finish the basement off, making a great room with the the kids toys and couch and TV and Wii, etc. We would love to have a pool table someday down there as well. An extra room to be used as an office or extra bedroom for guests would be helpful too. It is already roughed in for a bathroom. I have seen a really cute layout for a laundry room/art room. The floor was just linoleum, a tub sink surrounded by counters, and many drawers for storage and display surfaces like a cork lined half wall or chalkboard paint. I have great ideas for the last bit of space down there. I haven't convinced my husband of this yet, but I'm working on it. Either the basement needs to be finished off, or we need to find a slightly bigger house.

My husband has a photography business so he could really use some office space and a studio space and storage for all the props he has been collecting. Somewhere the girls can't get into. Right now his office is in the girls' playroom, not the best place for keeping his stuff organized and separate. The girls have a habit of spreading stuff out and not cleaning it up immediately. Like all kids, I am guessing. Or at least I hope my kids aren't the messiest ones on the planet:)

Anyway, maybe I'll tackle the Christmas corner today. Last year I only got out the bare minimum for decorations, we were installing hardwood floors right before Christmas and so we only had a week before Christmas to put up the tree and such. I didn't think we needed everything out. Which, of course, got me wondering why do I have all this stuff if I don't want to put it all out. A lot of the decorations were gifts. I don't know why I have a hard time getting rid of things people gave me, they never visit our house so they wouldn't even notice if I still had it or not. I feel like if someone spent their money and time and energy finding me a present I should keep it, whether or not I like it or use it. Well, that is how I used to feel. Now my philosophy is more like if I don't love it and use it, it needs to go. I am not a big holiday decorator, really I only put out stuff for Christmas. I have Easter baskets for the girls, a few pumpkin/jack o' lantern candles and candy bowls for Halloween. But that is it. I could really downsize the amount of Christmas stuff too. I really enjoy putting up the things my girlies have made at school rather than pre-made decorations. I also have a bunch of ornaments from when I was a kid. I have them but I don't put them on the tree. My tree is now for my new family, my husband and my girlies. The tree should be full of things we have gotten or made together. Does that make sense? Except of course for my pine cone Santa. I made it in kindergarten and if it isn't on the tree, something is severely wrong. One Christmas not too long ago, I couldn't find it. I actually cried, I know, what a wuss! But no, it means a lot to me and it just isn't Christmas without the little guy. My husband teases me about it but he understands my need for it even if he doesn't get why. He's a good man.

Anyway, I guess I'll get on with my treadmill run and get to cleaning out the Christmas stuff...

here comes summer

I am looking over all the papers I have gotten recently for summer activities for the children. It is amazing to me all the options! I overheard another mom at school today talking about girl scout camp. That sounds like fun. S wants to learn to play lacrosse. M wants to do field hockey. They both play soccer and take ballet during the school year. S wants swim lessons, presumable to have access to a pool this summer. M loves to draw and has asked about painting classes. How will I decide what activities will be worth the money and time driving back and forth. I don't want to over schedule them, they need free time, play time, time to be bored so they can see what their own imaginations can cook up. I like them having interests and a structured time to learn something new, but I also like the idea of lazy, fun play dates with friends and just hanging out together while they still want to hang out with me. The girlies are 6 and 8 so my days are numbered, I know. Pretty soon I'll be Mother(as in Oh, Mother -with an eye roll), instead of Mommy(as in I love you Mommy, you are so smart, so pretty, so awesome Mommy). S tells me that "I rock!" I love that:)

We also have travel plans to Cleveland near the 4th of July and VBS with our local church in June. Grandma wants a chance to spoil them for a few days this summer too! I am looking at the calendar and feel like if I start to schedule a few things, pretty soon the whole summer will be over. I am really looking forward to the summer. I am tired of making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at 7am. I am tired of nagging to finish homework and rushing them around like a really mean warden. I am looking forward to movie nights, camping out in the backyard, dinners with friends during the week, later bedtimes, catching fireflies, making snow cones, tagging along to the pool with friends, and anything else we think of.

On top of all that, I am trying to find a job after 8 years of being at home with my girlies. I was a teacher before and like those hours, snow days, and summer vacations, especially now that I am a mom. I have gone this long without putting my children into day care, I would really hate to have to do it now. So I hope that if a job comes my way I'll be able to juggle the work and my family without either suffering too much. I am out of practice, my multi-tasking skills have fallen away while I haven't needed them. Being a stay at home mom is really awesome. I encourage anyone out there to try it. Once you get past the sleep deprivation and screaming toddlers, it is really fun! I have enjoyed that last 8 years a lot. My girlies are so important to me, much more than a paycheck, a summer vacation, or a bigger house. Now that both of my girlies are in school this year, I have had a ton of time to volunteer at the school and the church. I have helped friends by watching their preschoolers when things came up. I have cleaned out my house of a lot of clutter. I have had time to read, watch movies on Netflix, and I have even taken a nap or two during the day when I have felt sick or tired. I ran errands without children begging for things and without that constant state of confusion. You know what I mean, right? The inability to focus on your list or needs at the store because you are trying to keep your children from touching everything, asking for everything, and rearranging everything. Even when they are behaving, just talking to me sometimes breaks my focus and I end up leaving without something crucial. I'm not blaming my lovely children, I know the problem is mine. I cannot seem to finish a sentence or retrieve the right word when talking, I am constantly saying that I gave all my brain cells to my children. So, re-entering the workplace may be quite difficult. I am trying to make the right decision, apply for jobs that will help our family out, not make things more complicated. I would like the extra money, the opportunity to use my skills and my college degrees for more than just 2 kids, the chance to show my girlies that you can be a mom and wife and employee/career woman. I know you can't have it all at the same time, but you can have a lot if you are willing to work for it, if your family is willing to make room for something new, and if you have the courage to try. You never know unless you try. Pray for me:)

#95 Mistress Shakespeare

Mistress Shakespeare by Karen Harper was really good. I enjoy historical fiction immensely and this book gave me everything I like in one place. There was a love story with its own conflict and longing while circumstances beyond control force its way into the lives of two people meant for each other. I like this time period in history: the clothing, the customs, the way they talk. I have been a fan of Shakespeare plays since high school. After Romeo and Juliet, there was so many more to read. I read them for school, any time I got to choose my topic for a paper I found a way to incorporate Shakespeare. I read plays for the term papers and for my own enjoyment. Yes, I am a nerd! I like love stories with complications and humor. I also love Jane Austin and the Bronte sisters. And if you couldn't tell by my choices so far, Little Women is one of my favorite books of all time. I love a book that moves you to cry. And I love that moment when you have figured out what will happen next just before they tell you outright.

The enduring love affair between Will and Anne was frustrating and beautiful. She had such a struggle between her own sense of respect for herself and her fierce attachment to Will. What wouldn't you do for someone you loved like that? She was an interesting character that made me want to be more independent and thankful for the love of my husband and family all at the same time. She was strong and brave and emotional and confused and generous and occasionally appreciated beyond her expectations. She made choices that I usually rail against - I am not a fan of adultery in literature. I thought The Bridges of Madison County was just ridiculous. It made me angry. That was not a great love story but a distraction from reality and a complete disregard of responsibilities and family obligations. It has been many years since I have read it, so the details are fuzzy but when I think about it I still get a huge feeling of disappointment.

But Anne Whately, being the main character, was the rightful wife and family and monetary obligations removed her from the life she should have lived. I loved her resolve to stay away from Will, but then she would again risk her life to make sure he was successful. She was very interesting. I read it quickly and felt each time I picked it up that I was transported to where she was. I guess I should mention also that I love the movie Shakespeare In Love. Not surprised, are you? Like I said, I have a thing about Shakespeare.

Ok, next up Vinegar Hill by A. Manette Ansay (another Oprah book pick)

soccer ballerinas

What a weekend! It started early on Friday when I had to pick up M from school with a 102 fever. I got S too and took M straight to the doctor. I am not usually that frantic mother who takes her kid to the doctor for every little thing, but M has a history of strep AND this is the weekend of her dance recital. So if she had something treatable with antibiotics, I wanted to get a full 24 hours of medicine in her so she would feel better and not miss her recital. Turns out it wasn't strep, but it was an ear infection, so we got the antibiotics. She got 2 doses in before bed and felt normal when she woke up on Saturday. Thank goodness!

We missed dress rehearsal Friday night because we were at the doctor and pharmacy and then I thought it best she rest so she could do the recital. Saturday morning was her last soccer game of the season. They played awesome, working together, more shots on goal, more time spent down at our end of the field. We still lost but they have really improved this season. Yay red team!

The grandparents were in town to see the soccer game and recital and they also treated us to the movie Up! It was so cute. I highly recommend it. Next was dinner out and then on to the recital. The girls looked so cute in their costumes and were very excited about performing. I take them to practice every week but I don't get to see what they do, they practice behind the curtain on the stage. So the recital is the only way I get to see how they are doing, what they are learning. I never took dance as a kid and I am not the least bit graceful or coordinated so I am always amazed at what they can do. My girls never seem nervous and they smile up there on stage too. I am so proud of them. Remembering all those steps, keeping to the music, smiling, not being overwhelmed with the amount of people staring at them up on that stage.

It was a busy weekend and my girls did an awesome job. I love my soccer ballerinas!

Oh, and the biggest news from the weekend....S has a wiggly tooth! Her first wiggly tooth, she is so excited!!!!